i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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