fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
