I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is Oprah even human
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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