Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
