I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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