dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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