Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
