Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
