does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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