May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
