I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
