I think I died a long time ago.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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