So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She made me pour olive oil on her.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
