Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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