I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
