the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
