a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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