So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
