We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
