Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
