I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
