Where did you get a picture of my penis
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
