Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
