He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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