Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
