Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
