Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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