I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
