Don't make out with my wife yet
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
