he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
