I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Found the puke drawer
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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