so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You are a genius and a whore.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
