No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
