The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
