I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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