The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize