Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
