Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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