You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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