Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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