He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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