Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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