The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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