Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
