it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
