Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize