I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Randomize
