I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize