hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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