He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
