Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize