Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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