i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
