i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
