I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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