and she was petting her beer can
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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