Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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