$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
