First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
and she was petting her beer can
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
