I could make wine with my vomit
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
